Pigeons are the worst
I know you know.
Its 11PM now, you’ve wrapped up your day. You’re drained out considering you had a long day filled with tons of tasks. The chaos has finally subsided.
You’re in your bed and you’ve finally attained the optimum posture that will help you revenge scroll on Instagram/TikTok comfortably. Your one leg is covered by blanket while other one is out, just enough to maintain the perfect temperature and to not let the monster under your bed bite your leg off.
Life is appearing a bit more meaningful with the right content on your screen. Then after a while the algorithm decides to throw a twist in the reels and shows you a motivational video on seizing the day.
You’re now in the middle of so much motivational content around making your life perfect and being a complete beast that you can even build Rome in a day. However, your brain strikes a deal with itself and decides to act on this motivation from the next day. And you’re asleep.
The very next day, you’re still pumped from the content you saw yesterday and the first thing you do is to not pick up your phone - courageous!
With this sudden feeling of invincibility you move towards your balcony to soak in the morning sun to get all your serotonins, dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin of the world.
You look at the bright blue sky and take a deep breath and it smells of shit!
You’re confused now. The content creator didn’t warn you about this. You look around to see what’s wrong and there it is - the pigeon’s dump. Apparently they also saw the motivational content and their content creator told them to shit on the balconies first thing in the morning.
You are disheartened. Did you leave water and grains for them for this day? Who told them to bite the hands which fed them?
Very unacceptable. But where will you go? You can’t leave your own house. Install spikes? That’s inhumane. And as far as I know, one cannot potty train pigeons. (this is one terrific business idea if one wants to try!)
In some ways pigeons are like cats - unpredictable. They’ll eat and drink the stuff you provide and will then shit in your balcony too. You cannot predict what the pigeons will do next. It’s their life their rules!
Dogs are better - predictable.
There are theories about pigeons being the government’s spy agents. I’m not kidding. There are proper theories around this. After you’ve read these theories, the next time a pigeon looks at you with its head tilting, it won’t ever be the same for you. It feels as if they want to say - I know what you did last summer. Scary!
Pigeons don’t give a rat’s ass about you. I have a work from home job and have setup my work desk near the balcony. All this planning so that I get ample sunlight, air and I get to see outside for a change without much effort. But do things ever go as per the plan?
Many a time, pigeons would fly in on the balcony and start making out right in front of my eyes. I mean what is this exhibitionist behavior? Where is all this kink coming from eh? Get a dense tree branch you guys. People are trying to work here!
I still think my landlord should’ve warned me about them.
I’m not asking for much here but some basic decency. I agree we live in a free world but if it makes your Instagram preached morning routine flush down the drain, I do not agree with this.
I can vouch that they can read this blog too. If my credit score dips after this blog is published, consider it the work of these goddamn pigeons.
Trust me, when all is done and we humans are all dead, these cockroaches and pigeons will be sitting on our lounge chairs smoking the finest Cuban cigars.
there’s nothing i hate more than the guttur gu i hear at night at the windowsill — with their weird necks and red eyes — ohmygod thanks for vocalising this!
Unkind or whatever; I am an avid birdwatcher but pigeons breed disease. Get the nets/ plastic spikes so they do not nest. Your piece was hilarious enjoyed it.