Blueberries

A man, a dream, a clamshell container.

A man is nothing without a purpose. What does one do with the life at hand? Apparently there is more to life than just watching reels and being a social media vigilante. There’s no one way to find a purpose. You have to deploy every means possible to find it. Lucky for me, I found it — in Avocados!

And you all know how it went. I dreamt of being that rich guy who eats an Avocado casually, in a nonchalant way, just like any other rich guy whose first word was probably demure. But what did I get? A rotten Avocado. It felt worse than having your movie get a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score.

Avocados aren’t great either. I mean, I’ve never seen anyone eat an Avocado on its own. What’s its deal? Why does it need so many condiments, fruits, breads, and good lighting to be edible? If you do not taste good on your own, you’re not a fruit. You’re a disappointment. A privileged prick.

Every time someone says how delicious Avocados are. Source

Don’t think that my bitterness for the Avocado stems from my inability to buy and eat it. I just stated facts. That’s all. Correlation does not always mean causation.

We all are aware of how it feels to be a man without purpose. Most of us are that, anyway. But to be a man who found his purpose, did everything he could to achieve it, and yet failed — that’s painful beyond measure. Like saying ‘This is unpossible. I feel hurted’ to a Grammar Nazi.

Imagine being a cockroach. Nope, not the one in Mr. Kafka’s book and definitely not the one that spawned a political party. The friendly neighbourhood cockroach. It (I settled at ‘it’ because cockroaches are scary to most, like the movie) just wanders aimlessly in and around everything. It probably likes it and does not complain, but then one day it sees a human with the blood drained out of their face, frozen in time, only because that human saw it. And just for fun, it decides to practice flying, like its teacher taught. What unfolds next is something the cockroach never forgets. A full-grown human scared of its tiny existence. Purpose in life unlocked.

Now one day this cockroach loses its head because some human tried to kill it. It didn’t die, and it definitely didn’t get stronger either (human poetry doesn’t apply to cockroaches). Now it just roams around like any headless cockroach, aware of its existence but unable to fulfil its purpose.

I felt like that headless cockroach after my Avocado dream was crushed.

In spite of all this, my mundane life carried on, but without any taste. Chhole Bhature didn’t feel good. Dal lost its taste. Coffee started feeling bitter. Birds chirping outside felt as if they were mocking me.

Life without a purpose. Source

But all days are not the same. Time changes, fast.

It was my regular visit to the sabzi mandi with my mother. She was bargaining like a pro and I was thinking, why was this not a case study in my MBA curriculum? When we reached a fruit-seller who had more variety of fruits than the career choices given to an average millennial, my eyes stopped at something uncommon. I saw a fruit that was packed in a box with none of its samples outside. Rarely does one see fruits completely packed. Yes, they have fancy plastic covers and some do come packed like Kiwis, but even those have sample pieces outside, without any protection from middle-class eyes.

And here it was, the tiny little blueberry. The one that caught my attention. The one that was more expensive than an Avocado! Sorry, what? Can something be more expensive than that over-hyped blob of tasteless edible substance? My eyes sparkled because I knew I had found my purpose in life again.

I then deployed every ounce of skill and knowledge I had to procure a blueberry — the gorgeous little wonder. The anti-oxidant mine. The one packing so much flavour, an Avocado couldn’t even dream of it. The one whose addition makes even an already expensive cheesecake even more expensive. I always thought this was impossible, but I am a lesser mortal with limited knowledge of the world.

I watched all the investment videos that YouTube had to offer. I realised the mistakes I had made in my previous attempt and now knew how to correct them. I first made an emergency fund so that if the blueberries arrived foul, I could get an additional quantity without breaking a sweat. I parked that money in a liquid debt fund. Then I started step-up SIPs in flexi-cap and index mutual funds. And I am not enough of a noob to not use the ‘buy the dip’ framework to maximise my returns. Your boy was prepared this time.

The prep. Source

When you’ve been hurt before, no amount of preparation helps you get rid of that iota of doubt that always lingers at the back of your head. Like that skid mark that refuses to be washed away, no matter how hard you try.

What if, even after all this prep, I wouldn’t be able to achieve my dream of eating blueberries? Will society accept a man who couldn’t fulfil his purpose, twice? Will they label me a failure and stop asking me for directions randomly at metro stations? Will my mansplaining be ignored? Will they never consider me for a panel on women’s empowerment comprising of all men?

While my anxious mind was running at full speed, I did what any rational man would do. I drank coffee. Lots of it. Because diamond cuts diamond!

All this planning and execution took a lot of time. I became a girl dad in between. It gave me the impetus to achieve that goal faster. I saw a dreams with open eyes when my daughter would go to school, her friends would gasp. ‘Look, here comes the dad who bought blueberries with his own hard-earned money.’ Purpose, reloaded.

If recent studies are to be believed, people who buy such exotic fruits and then post pictures of them on social media have a 389% higher chance of being called a show-off than those living a more humble life (losers, ugh). Showing off is considered cool in many areas of North India and I’m trying to fit in. So please keep your judgements to yourselves.

When my daughter turned six months old, I finally placed the order. My credit card company’s CEO personally called me to confirm the transaction. He cried with me on the call, saying that now he could finally retire. He had seen all that he needed to see.

The quick-commerce company gave me real-time updates.

‘Sir, the executive is now all dressed up with gloves and hair protection gear in place.’

‘Now the executive is trying to enter the secret vault where all such luxury items are placed.’

‘Oh no! Sorry, sir, the executive fainted as he hadn’t seen such opulence before. We are looking for another person. Someone more experienced.’

And then they continued with other updates, and finally the package arrived at my home. They secured the perimeter, validated my government ID, and held a small ribbon-cutting ceremony. I thanked the almighty for blessing us with this day.

At last! Source

Finally, it was in my own hands. The massive 125g pack of exotic Blueberries that cost me ₹199 after a Maha Bachat Super Pre-Monsoon Loo Se Bachao offer, which slashed the price from ₹4,99,999 to ₹199 only. God, I love capitalism and its unreal offers!

I had already drunk electrolytes, just in case I fainted at the sight, and it was paying off.

I placed the packet down and opened it. With trembling hands, I took one out and it got squished. My poor hands were incapable of handling such delicate things. I tried again and failed once more. Maybe these exotic fruits are not meant for lesser mortals like us. Maybe this is our fate.

But the third time, I was able to pick one up. Third time is indeed the charm. I then offered it to the Gods, took their blessings, and tasted it.

It felt good. Like, good. You know, like something that is just very good? Imagine waiting for something your entire adult life and it finally arrives and it is just good. Not bad. Not transcendent. Just good. The superfood claim, the 300% more antioxidants than any Parle-G in town, the imported tag, it all amounted to just good.

Hain?

Years of planning. A liquid debt fund. Electrolytes. A ribbon-cutting ceremony.

All that for something that is just good?

Just good!

Maybe I had a lot of expectations.
Maybe not.
Maybelline. (thank you 9gag)

But I am not the one to stop. I already know how to set eyes on the next target and do what it takes to finally taste success.

After all, I’ve my spreadsheets ready to embark on the next adventure — to possess a Dragon fruit!

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