English and me

I cannot talk English, I cannot walk English

English is indeed strange and is rarely a first language for Indians.

Combine these two and you get a khichdi which is neither nutritious nor good for your stomach. Unless you’ve been living under a rock or you’re one of the Flintstones, I’m assuming that you’ve heard about the effect of colonial language on their respective colonies.

When Brits saw someone not speaking English. Source

I won’t school you on how the British imposed English and how they were able to successfully communicate and establish that English was the most superior language of all. I would rather leave this to the people who know history better than me.

Moloya

&

Aditi Taswala

got the hint? 🙌🏻

Since I’ve gained consciousness, I have understood that the ones who speak English are cool. It was only after my frontal lobe matured at 25 that I realized that English is just another language and being cool is a state of mind. Neither of the two is correlated nor are they that important.

The journey of this learning has not been easy.

I was never good at English — neither spoken nor written. I was a good student in school, always a rank holder, the apple of my own eyes, except in English where this apple was rotten and clearly inedible.

During my pre-board examinations in 10th grade, my English teacher threw the answer sheet away in disappointment. She had a valid point. ‘If you’re so good in other subjects, what happens when it comes to English?’ I wish I knew the answer. But I didn’t.

Not true, but it sure felt like this. Source

The fear of English was not new. I had taken spoken English classes in my early teenage years and read Rapidex enough times in desperation to somehow understand the language. All in vain.

I studied in the ICSE board up until 10th grade, and good English has always been a pride for them — but not for someone like me. I’ve had my fair share of crying and cursing when it came to English grammar and literature.

A big moral boost came when I got hold of Chetan Bhagat’s 2 States in my 11th grade. My mind was blown. It was the first novel I could read from end to end without referring to the dictionary or feeling disappointed in my English proficiency. And since it was a best seller, it meant that this was not a fluke. Many humans out there enjoyed the same piece of literature which I could easily read and understand. In the midst of all the jokes on Mr. Bhagat’s literary skills, I will always respect him for instilling confidence in a boy who thought English was not for him. Thank you!

Thank you Mr. Bhagat. Source

With 2 States, the flood gates were open. I went on to read more such Indian authors. Sudeep Nagarkar, Nikita Singh, Ravinder Singh, Durjoy Dutta, Preety Shenoy and others. Now, you might find them low grade novels, or not up to the mark but for me their stories were relatable. My confidence rose like the temperature during global warming.

I was riding high on a moral boost but non-Indian authors were still beyond my reach. I remember calling this out to one of my friend — “Can you recommend me a book which is easy to read?”

And then I was introduced to Agatha Christie. The lady who I still love. It wasn’t easy though. It took me 2 months to complete the novel - ‘Murder on the Orient Express’. Carefully marking all the difficult words I couldn’t understand, I ended up marking the whole book. This one exercise alone, made me believe that I can understand English. A validation my mind had been longing for since ages.

What further helped me was that this friend of mine is a super cool guy. He sings, plays sports, acts, codes, knows all the DTC routes by heart, and is yet grounded well into the ground. If he could read such good English books, be awesome and yet be my friend then his recommendation holds high value. Thank you for introducing me to the world of Agatha Christie bhai!

Reading English was still going good. What about the spoken part?

I was the guy who always bought the medium McD meal instead of the regular one because the person at the counter only gave medium and large options. I wasn’t confident enough to go with the third option - small meal. I wasn’t that bold then.

I’ve overpaid enough money in those meals that had I invested that extra money I spent in stocks of McD I would’ve owned three Bunglows, five mansions and countless hectares of land in the most fertile regions of the world. (yes financial influencers, this one’s for you.)

I was the guy who froze when a girl asked me where the fiction aisle was in the International Book Fair in Delhi. I still believe she thinks of me as a mute person.

I was the guy who replied with ‘yes’ when a girl asked me why was I breaking the line at the Subway restaurant. I was an underconfident idiot who didn’t understand that

1. I unintentionally broke the line

2. yes was definitely not the answer she was expecting. I still owe her an apology. and if that helps, I’m not the one to break lines. The only thing I break is a Kit-Kat

Source

If you’ve read it so far, I believe you want to ask me - ‘why didn’t you practice?’

I did. But when you’ve placed something on a higher pedestal, the gap is difficult to bridge.

All this while, no one told me, rather I didn’t understand, that it was all in my head.

English is just another language. Not a royal decree.

Source

There is no law which says that if someone speaks to you in English you have to reply in English only. You can politely ask them/tell them that you’re not comfortable in English and if that works, both the parties can very well communicate in any non-English language. Hindi in my case.

Having a fully developed frontal lobe is a major mark in one’s growth. You suddenly wake up one day post you 25th birthday and you’re calmer and wiser.

Realizing that I can reply in Hindi is one of the most important things I understood.

Since the enlightenment, I’ve been able to order in the fanciest of the restaurants in Hindi, respond with dhanyawaad in place of thank you without feeling like I committed a crime and I’ve been able to save enough money by ordering regular meals in all fast food chains that in this bear market, I’m sitting on so much cash that portfolio managers have been after my life to invest in their financial products.

Any recommendations where I should invest? Please avoid suggesting me properties in Heeranandani / BKC / Lonavala. They’re very crowded. Ugghh.

I need help. Source

If you’re thinking that I’ve done it all. I’ve conquered all my fears of English, you’re wrong. Bad habits, fears and popularity of shit shows like Bigg Boss fade slowly. For instance I still rehearse what I’ll say to the air hostess when she asks me - ‘What would you like to have sir?’

Like an obedient parrot, my mind goes, “I’ll have a glass of water please. Thank you.“ I don’t know why I’ve to practice it. I’m a grown ass man who buys his own underwear. I should not feel the need to practice a sentence. But here I am. Still learning and trying to remove my fear of fumbling in English. In a way, I’m asymptote chasing the learning curve of English. Almost there but still far away.

More than for me, this is for someone out there who feels that speaking in English is such an uphill battle that you need to be born with a silver spoon to be comfortable around it. It is not. Making mistakes is fine. Bad grammar takes time to learn. And at the end of the day, it is just another language, just another medium for communicating.

It is important but not that important that you feel lesser of a person.

Always know that,

I can talk English, I can walk English, I can laugh English because English is a very phunny language

A dialogue by Amitabh Bachchan in the Hindi movie Namak Halal, 1982

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